Marie Kondo has no time to tidy

I’ve been hearing a lot in the past week or two about Marie Kondo and how she no longer has time to tidy now that she has three kids. However, the way most people seem to be reacting (with glee or a “gotcha!” attitude almost like schadenfreude) makes me feel like they never understood what she was about in the first place.

Photo courtesy of KonMari Media, Inc.

To give you some context, this came about after the publication of her latest book, Kurashi at Home, which is all about achieving one’s ideal lifestyle. Let me quote a recent Washington Post article:

“Kondo says her life underwent a huge change after she had her third child, and external tidying has taken a back seat to the business of life. ‘My home is messy, but the way I am spending my time is the right way for me at this time at this stage of my life,’ she said through an interpreter at a recent media webinar and virtual tea ceremony. […] Kondo says that, for many, the perfectly organized space is not realistic. ‘Up until now, I was a professional tidier, so I did my best to keep my home tidy at all times,’ she said at the event. ‘I have kind of given up on that in a good way for me. Now I realize what is important to me is enjoying spending time with my children at home.’”

You see, while the media and general public has long focused on the decluttering part of her message, Marie Kondo does not consider herself a minimalist. As a matter of fact, the second rule of the KonMari Method® is to imagine your ideal lifestyle. This means that before even getting rid of anything, Marie Kondo suggest that we identify exactly what we want to move towards, then make room for that not just in our space, but in our life as well.

There’s an added difficulty here because of the English translation of her first book – The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. To me, “tidying” is something that you do before someone comes over for dinner, by putting things back in their place. But in this context, tidying was opposed to cleaning, meaning that cleaning confronts us to nature (things get dirty and must be cleaned), whereas in tidying, we are confronted to ourselves (why do I own all these things in the first place?). This is the premise of the Tidying Festival, in which we assess all our belongings. And it is NOT the same thing as “being tidy” in the sense that our environment is not messy!

So, all this to say that Marie Kondo has gone through a major life transition in becoming a mother. Her priorities have shifted, and she is still leading her ideal life – it’s just that now, she wants to spend her time caring for her children instead of tidying up, and that’s normal. If anything, she’s staying true to her core philosophy of following her ideal lifestyle. I mean, this is someone who, when she was single, would clean out her purse entirely each evening. To which I say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” And now that she has other responsibilities, she agrees.

It is also during major life transitions that most people hire professional organizers and other outside help. Many of my clients are parents to young children, have recently moved, or were widowed, and that’s when they just get overwhelmed because they don’t have as much time or energy to put into creating the physical environment they want. Priorities shift, needs change, and that’s normal.

Care tasks are neutral

I recently listened to a really great episode of the podcast Ten Percent Happier, titled Messiness Is Not a Moral Failing, with therapist KC Davis (of Struggle Care) as a guest. I’d like to give you some takeaways from the episode as well as my opinion on it.

KC Davis Author Photo 2022 © Julie Soefer

First, let’s define an important term: “care tasks.” Care tasks are things that we need to do to maintain our home/ourselves, but they are never finished in that they are cyclical. For example, I could wash all the dishes and be done with that task (until the next meal, that is), but while I did that, the kids made a mess with their toys. If I pick it up, there will still be the bathroom to clean and the laundry to do, and while I was taking care of that, the dust was settling in the bedroom and the grass was getting long outside… You see where I’m going with this? There’s always something to be done, and that’s alright – we have to learn to live with that.

So, care tasks should be neutral. What I mean by that, what this whole episode was about, is that we often feel guilty or ashamed for not doing enough of those tasks, or we force ourselves to do them a certain way to live up to imaginary standards. Not doing the dishes doesn’t make one a bad person, just like doing all of them doesn’t make one more virtuous. If this is a pain point for you, ask yourself why you want the dishes done in the first place. Strictly speaking, what you *need* are enough clean dishes to eat and prepare meals; that’s the basic health and safety issue. Perhaps the sight of dirty dishes also bothers you, and you would be more comfortable without them in the way. Some people are happier cleaning as they go, so that they never have dirty dishes pile up; other people will be stressed out by that and will be happier setting aside a chunk of time to tackle everything (or at least the essentials) at the end of the day. The trick is to stop passing judgement on ourselves for having dirty dishes in the first place, and to learn to be at peace with whatever system we choose for cleaning dishes. If it’s the sight of dirty dishes in the sink that bothers you, but you can’t clean as you go for whatever reason, then we can come up with other solutions, like storing dirty dishes in the dishwasher, or even rinsing dishes and storing them in a drying rack until they can be washed properly, thus freeing up your sink in the meantime. The point is to reassess your priorities and put your energy where it will have the most impact.

As another example, so many people feel ashamed of their clothes chair, but I think you should embrace it if it’s functional! Remember that you don’t exist to serve your space, but your space exists to serve you. So we need to create systems that are functional for *you*, even if that’s not the way you were taught that things *should* be. I have a client who stores her young daughter’s clothes in the closet of the main bedroom, because that’s just where her daughter gets dressed anyway and that’s what works for them. I have a friend who doesn't fold any clothes for her family of 6 because she absolutely hates folding, and everyone still has clean clothes to wear every day (taken from a bin or a hanger). Sometimes there can also be a problem to solve, like if your dirty clothes always end up on the floor of the bathroom instead of in the hamper in the bedroom. Then I’d say to simply put the hamper in the bathroom (and even consider a lidless hamper, because for some people, removing that little obstacle can make all the difference).

Any change that we want to bring to our life should come from a place of caring for ourselves and should bring joy to our life. Take the pressure off and know that you are worthy of resting! For me, cooking is like that – I don’t necessarily enjoy the act of cooking, but I do like eating well, so cooking most of my own food improves my life in that way. My “hack” is that I always cook enough food to have leftovers for a second meal. So I put in about the same effort, but reap twice the rewards, and because I don’t mind leftovers, this works for me. I have redefined the goal to what serves me (i.e., having nourishing food instead of cooking from scratch every single night). Redefining the goal to something that is realistic and functional for *us* is key!

Another thing that struck me is that KC Davis doesn’t believe that laziness exists. Some people won’t do a particular task because they have ADHD, depression, or a physical illness; some are in a season of their life where they must care for small children or are grieving; others get overwhelmed by the thought of starting a task or simply have different priorities. In any case, we should feel self-compassion instead of shame, and aim for good enough instead of perfect. It’s also really important to do that work in order to figure out to what extent clutter bothers you – do the sight and chaos of it truly overwhelm you, or were you just worried about what others might think if they were to see it? I’m all about making things functional before making them look good, so if you can still find everything despite a little clutter, then don’t beat yourself up about it.

Some care tasks can be outsourced. Decluttering is a care task too. We all have to declutter periodically (yes, even me!), and us professional organizers are in a good position to be non-judgmental with our clients and their clutter. I tend to see it as problem-solving. Some clients want me to set up a system that they can maintain themselves, while others need me for periodic maintenance. It’s fine either way – I’m happy to help!